Ugh I feel HORRIBLE today. I know my TOM is coming but I can't help it. I feel gross and disgusting and I see that I've gained a pound since Friday and I want to cry. Did I REALLLLY gain it or is it water weight? I don't know.
My abdomen is so painfully sore right now. I'm not quite sure what's going on. It wasn't even this tight right after surgery.
I had my check up with the doctor yesterday and he said everything looks real good and I don't have to come back unless there's a problem.
I was supposed to go to the gym today but it was so crowded that I turned around and left. I PROMISE though tomorrow I will hit the gym right after work so I have no excuse. It's so hard for me to get back into exercise after I haven't been doing it for so long especially since I'm a weakling and even the smallest amount of pain has me worried I'm gonna bleed internally.
But no more excuses. Whether or not I really DID gain a pound since Friday I'm starting back to the gym tomorrow.

I went to the gym today. BADDDD idea apparently. It's been two weeks since my surgery but I walked one mile and thought I was gonna die. So I will NOT be going back until I see my doctor on Monday and he gives me the ok.
In related news. Last week I weighed myself on the scale at Publix. It said I was 219. NICE I thought. Today I got on the scale at the gym and I was 216!! I've OFFICIALLY hit the 20 lb. mark. I'm hoping to have another 15 off by the time E comes back in the middle of August. Once I'm healed up good and can go to the gym hopefully the weight will keep coming off at a good speed.

Today is my second day at work since the surgery. I’m feeling pretty good just EXTREMELY sore. Up until yesterday I hadn’t really worn a bra and unfortunately now I have one rubbing against one of my incisions for 8 hrs a day.  I need to start taking Motrin or Tylenol for the pain. They gave me Percocet but I hate the way it makes me feel. I get all itchy and if I take more than one pill I fall asleep super fast.

Tomorrow I’m going back to school maybe. I might wait until The 6^th.  I went on Monday night but only lasted an hour before my teacher sent me home because I was sweating all over the place and just looked and felt out right miserable.

The operation went really well. I went in at 7:30 for a 9 surgery and left at 2.  I was there a bit longer than expected because the first time they woke me up I started screaming about how much pain I was in. SO they put me back under for a bit. Whoops. The second time they woke me up I came out in full panic attack mode. I did nothing but scream over and over for E until they realized she’d brought me and went to get her from the waiting room. I totally don’t remember Tuesday.  Wednesday my sister and her husband came out to stay the night and visit. I vaguely remember toast and applesauce and busting on my sister because she didn’t cut my toast “correctly”. Thursday I started feeling pretty good and E and I went to Chick Fil A. I had a plain grilled chicken sandwich with some water and was completely full but I felt good.  Later that night I went a little wild and had a grilled southwest salad from McDonald’s. It took me almost 30 minutes to eat it but it stayed down and didn’t bother my stomach at all.

I haven’t had red meat or anything besides chicken or turkey since before my surgery. Sunday I stepped on the scale and was shocked. I’d lost 4 lbs.  I expect some of it to come back once I’m eating regularly but probably not much since my eating has completely changed.

The main thing I was worried about other than getting a horrible infection or bleeding to death after surgery was how my weight was going to be. I looked online and immediately became terrified at what I saw.  Boards and boards of people complaining about how AFTER surgery they gained weight, and I don’t mean a little bit. People were talking about how they gained 70 pounds. These people were saying how fit they were BEFORE the surgery and how keeping their exercise and eating habits in check they were STILL gaining weight.

Now I understand that for some people that might actually be true but after looking at actually medical research instead of people complaining on the internet I started to feel better. Everything medicially says that most people will LOSE WEIGHT because you have to drastically change your eating habits. Lowfat, healthy food. Fiber rich veggies and fruits need to become the staples. It also said that most people who experience weight gain is because they’re able to eat the foods they weren’t able to before, i.e. fatty foods because they’re not having any pain.

Monday I was so tired and so sore from going to school that I flew through the
drive-thru at BK and got a original chicken sandwich meal.

It didn’t upset my stomach but the next morning I realized something.

I had surgery to remove what my doctor called an abnormal gallbladder. It had leak and had started to fuse itself to fat around it. *Thank god I’m fat because another girl I know had hers fuse to her liver, but that’s besides the point*

Gallbladder surgery is one of the most common surgeries done but that doesn’t make it ok to shovel food in my face because I’m tired.

I had to have this surgery because of a lifetime of horrid easting habits. I let myself get to almost 300 lbs. I lost 90 lbs. 4 years ago but then I started yo-yoing, which I’m pretty sure caused the demise of my gallbladder.

I was doing pretty good before the surgery but not as good as I should have been. But I’ve gotten the wake up call from my body and I’m listening to it now. From this moment forward I will never again put my body and wellbeing in danger just for a damned hamburger. 

I had two doctor's appointments yesterday. One for the boob and one for the gallbladder. There's nothing wrong with the top half of me but the gallbladder's got to go. I'm getting a HIDA scan on Tuesday then Thursday I go talk to the surgeon. I'm a little freaked out but I'll be happy when this pain is gone. I know it's my own fault my gallbladder is screwed up and I know that the way I lost and gained and lost and gained and lost weight over the last 4 years DID NOT help.

I'm hoping to get it done before E leaves at the end of the month. 

I'm also nervous about all the eating changes I'll have to do. There's no more having a bad dinner and just being good the rest of the week because I don't want my stomach it act all crazy like I've been reading it has. E said since she's on WW again all the food she cooks should be fine because it's low in fat.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I went to the doctor 5 days ago and I was still 222. I'm fine with it. I haven't paid attention to anything weight related since then.

I'm almost 100% sure I'm going to have to get my gallbladder removed. I went the week before or whenever when I was 224 and had an ultrasound done. They found a polyp on my gallbladder. I read up on it since it's kinda rare and my doctor refuses to answer any of my damned questions without me forking over $20 for a damned visit that'll probably only be 15 minutes. Since mine is hurting me, which is something they usually don't do I'm sure I'll have to get it out. I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss what the hell is going on before she sends me to a surgeon for a referral. Another damned $40 I don't HAVE to have someone talk to me for 15 minutes before they decide to do anything or not.

I also went to the doctor last Friday because the week before I was laying in bed and felt a lump in my right boob. I'm only 29 so I know I shouldn't be freaking out but I can't help it. The doctor said it felt like breast tissue and it might well be but she's sending me tomorrow for a mammogram and an ultrasound to make sure. I know it's not cancer. I have no history in my family of cancer, I'm under 30. Hell I read a thing online that said when you're premenopausal being overweight actually HELPS not getting breast cancer. 

I'm scared though. We had so much stuff planned out just 8 days ago. Now everything is hinging on whether things go ok tomorrow. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. 

I drowned my anxiety yesterday in corn nuggets and freaking ranch dressing. I'm surprised I didn't have a gallbladder attack.

I'm getting married in the fall next year!!!

We decided on next fall to get married. I'm trying not to get all sick to my stomach. This is officially the first time we've talked REALLY talked about it happening. I have to lose 70 lbs. I know it's not that hard. I can do it easily in a year but I'm freaking out. These are the 3 dresses I can't decide between. I know I still have a long time and I'm gonna need it to look good in these dresses. Especially the first one from J Crew. The other two would hide any belly pretty good but that one has it all front and center. We found an awesome place with great wedding packages in Mass. We just have to decide whether we want to get married in Boston or Provincetown. P-Town I know TOTALLY cliche but it could be fun.

222!!!!! I don't know how it happened but it did!! FINALLY. I'm so freaking happy. I actually broke outta 224. It's all down hill from now on... and I mean number wise. :D