Monday, October 27, 2008

It never ends

I have my appointment with the plastic surgeon on Thursday afternoon. I know I haven’t lost any weight. These past two weeks have been insane.
We’ve been fighting with our apartment property managers for the last two months to fix a HOLE in the ceiling. The roof started leaking sometime after we first got back from D.C. and caused the ceiling to start falling down.
Two months, two months they’ve been fighting us or just not doing anything.
Well this past week they sent out a contractor who I let in the house. I had to go back to work but told him E would be home in an hour. An hour later I get a call from the property management company telling me that they are coming to inspect our house because the contractor told them there were 9 cats running around the house and feces all over the floors and walls.
I was so livid that I was sick for 2 days. My stomach wouldn’t stop churning.
The lady came out the next day and took a look at our 3 cats and our CLEAN apartment and apologized and was mystified about the contractor’s claim.
They finally came out on Friday and fixed the damned ceiling. It took them 2 ½ hours. That’s it. All of this mess, with legal papers and the city getting called could have been resolved in probably less than that had they done the work when they were supposed to. BUT it doesn’t matter. It’s over with. My stomach is still churning even though I talked to the owner of the company and the owner of the building and let them know that I would pay them the rent today, which I did.
This weekend was my sister’s Halloween party. Of course I went and ate so much that two days later I’m still sick to my stomach.
I’ve got 3 days until I go to the doctor. I’m excited but scared and hopefully everything works out ok.
This week I’m going to be super good, eating what I’m supposed to and then walking everyday. And hopefully when I go to the doctor I’ll be the same weight or a little bit less than I was two weeks ago. I’m not sure though. The stress has been INSANE lately.
Well I guess we’ll see in 3 days.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The trip so far.

Growing up I was a skinny kid. I played outside all the time. I used to walk almost everyday after they deemed out bus stop too close to the school. I’d to ride my bike to and from the library 7 miles each way without even a thought. When my father was in boot camp I would ride my bike to the grocery store, picking up milk for my mom because she couldn’t drive.

I also remember growing up and my family telling me, “Don’t eat so much or you’ll end up looking like your Aunt Sue.” All the while they were shoveling more fried cornbread and fried salmon patties with beans onto my plate. I never even gave thought to “Getting as fat as Aunt Sue” … until the day I went to see her and I realized that Aunt Sue wasn’t really that big, actually I was bigger than her.

When I was 16 I started gaining weight. Being out in BFE in Missouri, where to get somewhere you needed to drive and having disposable income while in school did not help. Added onto that the constant ridicule and bullying I went through because I started gaining weight and it all just piled on. By the time my family moved to Germany in 1998 I was close to the weight I am now. And the pounds just kept coming. I love food. And I will eat at the drop of a hat, whether I’m hungry or not. Are we celebrating something? Let’s get food. Is there an emotional crisis? Let’s get food. My eating was directly linked to my emotions, no matter what they were.

It wasn’t until the fall of 2005 that I started losing weight. It started off as an accident. A breakup and me leaving a night job had me eating less crap at all the wrong times. A visit to the doctor revealed that I’d lost 15 lbs. just by not eating junk. So began my journey. Hell how hard could it be? I lost weight without even thinking about it. I’ll never forget the first time I walked from my house to the end of our road and back. I was 25 years old, 265 lbs. and I hadn’t exercised since high school. It took me almost an hour to walk 1.5 miles. But I did it and I continued doing it. Over the next 8 months I walked almost everyday. I kept my calories at 1200 and by May of 2006 I was walking 5 miles in 75 minutes.

Thinking back it seems like it was so easy and the weight just fell off but looking back at an old journal proved me otherwise. There’s an entry from when I’d eaten something during the day that left me with only 500 calories for dinner and I was STARVING. The food I’d gotten at Chili’s wasn’t enough and I was irritated with myself for not having better control and still hungry. My mother who’s never had to worry about her weight in her life looked over at me and asked what was wrong with me? I looked like I lost my best friend.” I then told her I had… food. I looked at my dad and he, the man who’s struggled all of his adult life with weight understood.

At my lowest 2 years ago I was 190. Though still “obese” I could have happily stayed at that weight, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. I started working nights back at the paper at the end of May. By Jan. when I left to go to another paper I was 213. Working late and sleeping all day had completely thrown off my eating habits and my exercise.

My partner E was struggling with her weight also. She was living with her parents and restarted Weight Watchers and was having very good success. So I decided to try it also. I struggled while on the program, mainly because my body can’t do carbs very well but doesn’t mind the extra fat in food. But I got down to 194 by the time E moved in in July. But two foodies living together with a lot of extra spending money from two good jobs doesn’t make for skinny people.

Over the passed year and a half I’ve gained 35 lbs. where I’m now sitting at 230. I’m not happy with it, I haven’t been happy since I started gaining but my outlook is now different.

I can’t beat up on myself and expect to be healthy. I realized that I was hating on myself worse now than I was when I was 280. Not because I looked worse or was in worse health but because I had such a good grip on the situation before and I let it slip.

Over the last 3 months I’ve gained and lost the same 5 lbs. Never going above 235 and never getting under 230. But I feel better than I have in a long time. I’ve gotten my eating under control. In part because Eyleen has started going to WW again and she does all of the cooking.

I’ve started walking again and I forgot how much I loved it. I feel so much better after I’ve been for a walk. I would like to get back down to 190. If I went any further than that I wouldn’t care. I’d be happy if I stayed right there. Will I get there? I hope so but for right now it’s more important for me to really truly work on what and how I eat and exercise before I start busting my butt again. I think that was my problem before. I thought losing weight was going to solve all my problems when what I didn’t realize that I’d just be thin with the same issues. So hopefully this time around it will be different.

I want to have kids in the near future. Hopefully within the next 3 years we’ll have one and I want to be healthy for my kids. I don’t want them to suffer with their weight all of their lives like I have. I’ll teach them to eat better from the get go and let them know there’s always time for exercise, even if it’s just a little bit.

It’s taken me years and years but I finally feel like I’ve got it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

It's alright.

So I was 234 at the doctor's appointment. NOT what I wanted to see... but it's T.O.M. so if I work my butt hard this week I'll hopefully drop it and then some by the end of the month.
The doctor agrees that I've hit a plateau with the way I workout and that getting a B.R. will help with my mobility and I'll be able to do stuff I can't do now. Like run. I'm seriously obsessed with being able to run once the surgery and healing is done. 
I'll continue to eat 1400 and walk 3 miles a day and hopefully by the time this is over I'll have a smaller chest AND a smaller rest of the body.
I'm not going to get discouraged, even though she told me that this time last year I was 209. I know, I know. I can't keep beating myself up. No matter how much I berate myself it's not going to shed 40 lbs. off my body. Only I can do that.
I had oatmeal this morning at 260.
For lunch I'll have my bowl of chili with crackers which is 350.  That's 610 overall and it leaves me with 790 for dinner. I can do this. I WILL do this.
Last night we looked at this place in Provincetown called the Red Inn. It's beautiful. Sometime next spring we'll go look at it to see if we like it enough to get married there. WOW. That's scary. Something I never thought I would do. Get married. That's another reason I want to lose the weight and WILL lose the weight. I don't want to be a fat bride. 

Monday, October 13, 2008

Come Inside The Show's About To Start...

I've found in the past that writing in a blog or journal has helped me in my weight loss.
Right now I'm just hoping that when I go to the doctor tomorrow I'll still be at 230, which is where I was 4 months ago when I went to the doctor last.
It's really hard not to beat up on myself because I've gained 40 lbs. in the last year. And when I get upset with myself I start to eat. It's a vicious cycle and I feel like lately it's getting better to keep everything going one way instead of in circles.
My partner E moved in over a year and half ago and we both started gaining weight that we'd worked so hard to lose. E went back to WW a month ago and has since lost 8 lbs. The last month I haven't really lost any weight but I haven't gained any either. I've just been trying to get myself adjusted to doing what I need to do to lose weight and let her do what she needs to do so she can lose weight also.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to see if I can get a referral to a specialist for B.R. surgery. I'm hoping that with the numbness in my hands, the grooves in my shoulders and the all around miserableness that I've suffered with since I was in H.S. the insurance company will pay for the reduction.
The main thing I'm looking forward too is wearing normal bras, smaller shirts and being able to run.
I love walking. I stopped for a long time but since I've started up again I realized how much I missed it. When I stopped walking on a daily basis two years ago I was up to 5 miles a day. I tried to run once and I did, I ran a whole mile but without a proper support bra I was in pain the next morning. 
So I can't wait to run. Once the surgery is over and I'm completely healed the running is on . I'm excited. 
Right now my goal for the week is to stay at 1400 calories a day and get in atleast 3 miles, 6 days a week. 
Hopefully by Feb. I want to be back down in 190, where I was 2 years ago before I let everything fall apart. When I'm at that weight I'll decide where to go from there. I know that I want to atleast be 180 that way I'll be overweight instead of obese, but any further than that I don't know.