Saturday, August 8, 2009

It's been a hard week for me. I'm missing E like CRAZY and even though she'll be back on Wed. it still feels like forever. She'll be gone next year for 6 weeks again to help her folks out. :( It'll be even worse than because we'll be in the middle of the final wedding countdown.
And speaking of wedding. I found THE dress that I wanted from Nordstrom. They kept running out of a 16 and would only have 10P, which no matter HOW much weight I'll lose in 9 months I'd never fit into a petite. Well last week they had a 16 so I went ahead and bought it. It got here on Thursday and they're full of crap if that dress is a 16. It's more like a 14. I've got some MAJOR work to do in the next 9 months. We already have someone in Mass. that can alter the dress if I get low enough that it needs to be taken in. AND Nordstrom is AMAZING. I called about their return time limit and the woman told me they didn't actually have a time limit. So in 6 months after busting my ass I'll evaluate if I need to get another dress BUT I know I won't have too.
I have to lose 56 lbs. to be at 160. That's 6 lbs. a month for the next 9 months. 1.5 lbs. a week. If I can't do that then there's no hope for me at all.
And speaking of my hard week and wedding stuff. I have a friend, L that I've been friends with for over 6 years. We went to college together and when I wanted to leave my newspaper job she got me a job at the place I'm at now. Last year around this time she started acting weird towards me and I didn't understand what I'd done. I had a fleeting thought that it was because I was gay but she still hung out with the gay boy at work just not me. Well then I thought I must have done something TERRIBLE that I didn't remember to make someone that upset with me.
I asked her CONTINUOUSLY over the last year what I'd done and she'd tell me everything was fine but she barely talked to me anymore.
Thursday it was pouring rain and my dress was supposed to come from UPS. She deals with UPS through our company so I asked her if they'd leave the box at my door even if I wasn't home. She gave me a snappy answer that had NOTHING really to do with UPS. It was then that I realized that it WAS because I was gay and want to get married. I finally called her on it and she answered me back with yes that's why. She felt I was forcing her to "march for my beliefs" to be friends with me. All I've ever done it talk about my hopes of getting married and having kids the same as any other person. I NEVER asked her to "march for my beliefs". I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say. The worst part is She'll think we're no longer friends because I think she's a bigot, which she is. But she went a WHOLE YEAR lying to my face telling me nothing was wrong then treating me like crap. THAT is the true reason we're not friends anymore. It's ok for her to hang out with S at work because he's a "safe gay" that doesn't vocalize the fact that he wants to be treated just like everyone else. I guarantee you if I told him WHY she's been treating me like shit he'd be just as offended as me.
I ate so horribly that night because I was so hurt and angry. I woke up on Friday though and said how DARE I let her get me off track. I'm getting married next year AND I'm gonna start trying for a baby and just like before it doesn't have a DAMNED thing to do with her. I'm doing this for me and MY happiness. The happiness I deserve just like every other person on this entire planet.

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