It's been a hard week for me. I'm missing E like CRAZY and even though she'll be back on Wed. it still feels like forever. She'll be gone next year for 6 weeks again to help her folks out. :( It'll be even worse than because we'll be in the middle of the final wedding countdown.
And speaking of wedding. I found THE dress that I wanted from Nordstrom. They kept running out of a 16 and would only have 10P, which no matter HOW much weight I'll lose in 9 months I'd never fit into a petite. Well last week they had a 16 so I went ahead and bought it. It got here on Thursday and they're full of crap if that dress is a 16. It's more like a 14. I've got some MAJOR work to do in the next 9 months. We already have someone in Mass. that can alter the dress if I get low enough that it needs to be taken in. AND Nordstrom is AMAZING. I called about their return time limit and the woman told me they didn't actually have a time limit. So in 6 months after busting my ass I'll evaluate if I need to get another dress BUT I know I won't have too.
I have to lose 56 lbs. to be at 160. That's 6 lbs. a month for the next 9 months. 1.5 lbs. a week. If I can't do that then there's no hope for me at all.
And speaking of my hard week and wedding stuff. I have a friend, L that I've been friends with for over 6 years. We went to college together and when I wanted to leave my newspaper job she got me a job at the place I'm at now. Last year around this time she started acting weird towards me and I didn't understand what I'd done. I had a fleeting thought that it was because I was gay but she still hung out with the gay boy at work just not me. Well then I thought I must have done something TERRIBLE that I didn't remember to make someone that upset with me.
I asked her CONTINUOUSLY over the last year what I'd done and she'd tell me everything was fine but she barely talked to me anymore.
Thursday it was pouring rain and my dress was supposed to come from UPS. She deals with UPS through our company so I asked her if they'd leave the box at my door even if I wasn't home. She gave me a snappy answer that had NOTHING really to do with UPS. It was then that I realized that it WAS because I was gay and want to get married. I finally called her on it and she answered me back with yes that's why. She felt I was forcing her to "march for my beliefs" to be friends with me. All I've ever done it talk about my hopes of getting married and having kids the same as any other person. I NEVER asked her to "march for my beliefs". I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say. The worst part is She'll think we're no longer friends because I think she's a bigot, which she is. But she went a WHOLE YEAR lying to my face telling me nothing was wrong then treating me like crap. THAT is the true reason we're not friends anymore. It's ok for her to hang out with S at work because he's a "safe gay" that doesn't vocalize the fact that he wants to be treated just like everyone else. I guarantee you if I told him WHY she's been treating me like shit he'd be just as offended as me.
I ate so horribly that night because I was so hurt and angry. I woke up on Friday though and said how DARE I let her get me off track. I'm getting married next year AND I'm gonna start trying for a baby and just like before it doesn't have a DAMNED thing to do with her. I'm doing this for me and MY happiness. The happiness I deserve just like every other person on this entire planet.

Last week was good and bad. I DID stay off the scale at Publix *that temptress* BUT I only exercised twice and on Saturday ate so much pizza that even thinking about it now I'm queasy. I weighed myself this afternoon and I was still at 214 which is good. My new goal is to lose 5 lbs. in the next 2-1/2 weeks. I want to be 209 by the time E gets home. It will be the first time I've been that close to 200 in 2 years. Plus we're going to Universal when she gets back and as cheesy as it sounds it's OUR place. It's where we took our first vacation together, it's where we bought our rings from Tiffany's and we're fully planning next year to go there for our honeymoon. HOPEFULLY Harry Potter land will be open by then. :D That would make Universal an even better place.

I have some other huge goals I need to start cracking down on and getting MAJOR serious about. We're talking about trying to have a baby next year. :D YAY! I need to lose ATLEAST 50 lbs. before that happens. I want to be 160 before we start trying in August which means I need to be 160 and mantaining by March. Some of my friends don't seem to understand why I want to lose weight BEFORE having the baby. My friend S was telling me last night I need to just lose the weight after the baby. I told him no way. I would rather be 160, gain 20 lbs. with the baby and after the baby is born go back to 160 instead of being 214 gaining 20 lbs. and going back down to 214.
Yeah I said 20 lbs. Because I'd still be overweight I need to gain between 15-25 lbs. and no more during pregnancy. There's still fat reserves there for the baby. S was telling me I would gain 40 lbs. but I won't let that happen. I'm not going to start out my child's life with weight issues. I want my kid to not have the same struggles I have had since I was 16. Coincidently, being at 160 will be the weight I was WHEN I was 16 and I haven't seen it since.
Speaking of S we went out to dinner a few week ago with me him, his partner and my sister. My sister didn't finish all the food on her plate because she was full and he started harping on her to eat all the food because she KNEW she still wanted it. What did my sister do? Take more bites of the food she didn't want. I looked at her and told her to put it down if she wasn't really hungry. S looked at me and was like, "Well you ate all your food." Yes, because I was actually hungry, having thrown out what was the WORST lunch ever. Had I not been I'm sure I wouldn't have eaten it all. Last night I was over at their house for birthday cake. I got a small piece and when I was done put my plate in the sink. Again he kept harping on me to eat more cake. WTF? Why do people do that? Especially when he KNOWS that I'm trying to lose weight. After that is when we had the pregnancy weight discussion.
DAMMIT! It's sunshining outside but has started to pour rain. It better stop so I can get out there and walk before dinner.

I have a HUGE goal this week. Not huge and is momentous or anything but it's hard. I have to stay off the damned scale at Publix. We got rid of our scales at the house because I was weighing everyday. Well I started dropping by the grocery store after work everyday and doing the same thing. I will STAY OFF OF IT this week. I will weigh myself ONCE this week at the gym on Saturday and that's IT. It's going to be hard for such a small thing but I can do it.

:D
Down 2 lbs. to 214. It's sweltering hot here but I started walking around 8 p.m. after most of the heat has burned off.
I can't believe it's been almost a month since my surgery. It's amazing how much better I feel and though a lot of people take getting rid of the gallbladder as an excuse for a food free-for-all it's really helped me.
I have to eat smaller meals throughout the day now so I can keep my stomach in check. I've also learned for the first time in my life how to actually LISTEN to my body's hunger signals. Through everything I've done, I've never paid heed to that most important of advice. All through weight watchers and everything else I've read and done I ignored that simple NORMAL body reaction. Last night I went out to dinner with a friend and I actually stopped eating when I noticed I was pushing food around on my plate while I talked instead of eating it. I then stood up got more soda then realized I wasn't hungry anymore. And I didn't feel guilty in the least for having to get a doggy bag and not being able to "finish everything on my plate." Heck, I felt good because I had enough food left for lunch hand got two meals for the price of one. I never thought eating would make me feel good even after everything was done. This is one of the first times I think I've eaten without guilt. God it feels good.

Ugh I feel HORRIBLE today. I know my TOM is coming but I can't help it. I feel gross and disgusting and I see that I've gained a pound since Friday and I want to cry. Did I REALLLLY gain it or is it water weight? I don't know.
My abdomen is so painfully sore right now. I'm not quite sure what's going on. It wasn't even this tight right after surgery.
I had my check up with the doctor yesterday and he said everything looks real good and I don't have to come back unless there's a problem.
I was supposed to go to the gym today but it was so crowded that I turned around and left. I PROMISE though tomorrow I will hit the gym right after work so I have no excuse. It's so hard for me to get back into exercise after I haven't been doing it for so long especially since I'm a weakling and even the smallest amount of pain has me worried I'm gonna bleed internally.
But no more excuses. Whether or not I really DID gain a pound since Friday I'm starting back to the gym tomorrow.

I went to the gym today. BADDDD idea apparently. It's been two weeks since my surgery but I walked one mile and thought I was gonna die. So I will NOT be going back until I see my doctor on Monday and he gives me the ok.
In related news. Last week I weighed myself on the scale at Publix. It said I was 219. NICE I thought. Today I got on the scale at the gym and I was 216!! I've OFFICIALLY hit the 20 lb. mark. I'm hoping to have another 15 off by the time E comes back in the middle of August. Once I'm healed up good and can go to the gym hopefully the weight will keep coming off at a good speed.

Today is my second day at work since the surgery. I’m feeling pretty good just EXTREMELY sore. Up until yesterday I hadn’t really worn a bra and unfortunately now I have one rubbing against one of my incisions for 8 hrs a day.  I need to start taking Motrin or Tylenol for the pain. They gave me Percocet but I hate the way it makes me feel. I get all itchy and if I take more than one pill I fall asleep super fast.

Tomorrow I’m going back to school maybe. I might wait until The 6^th.  I went on Monday night but only lasted an hour before my teacher sent me home because I was sweating all over the place and just looked and felt out right miserable.

The operation went really well. I went in at 7:30 for a 9 surgery and left at 2.  I was there a bit longer than expected because the first time they woke me up I started screaming about how much pain I was in. SO they put me back under for a bit. Whoops. The second time they woke me up I came out in full panic attack mode. I did nothing but scream over and over for E until they realized she’d brought me and went to get her from the waiting room. I totally don’t remember Tuesday.  Wednesday my sister and her husband came out to stay the night and visit. I vaguely remember toast and applesauce and busting on my sister because she didn’t cut my toast “correctly”. Thursday I started feeling pretty good and E and I went to Chick Fil A. I had a plain grilled chicken sandwich with some water and was completely full but I felt good.  Later that night I went a little wild and had a grilled southwest salad from McDonald’s. It took me almost 30 minutes to eat it but it stayed down and didn’t bother my stomach at all.

I haven’t had red meat or anything besides chicken or turkey since before my surgery. Sunday I stepped on the scale and was shocked. I’d lost 4 lbs.  I expect some of it to come back once I’m eating regularly but probably not much since my eating has completely changed.

The main thing I was worried about other than getting a horrible infection or bleeding to death after surgery was how my weight was going to be. I looked online and immediately became terrified at what I saw.  Boards and boards of people complaining about how AFTER surgery they gained weight, and I don’t mean a little bit. People were talking about how they gained 70 pounds. These people were saying how fit they were BEFORE the surgery and how keeping their exercise and eating habits in check they were STILL gaining weight.

Now I understand that for some people that might actually be true but after looking at actually medical research instead of people complaining on the internet I started to feel better. Everything medicially says that most people will LOSE WEIGHT because you have to drastically change your eating habits. Lowfat, healthy food. Fiber rich veggies and fruits need to become the staples. It also said that most people who experience weight gain is because they’re able to eat the foods they weren’t able to before, i.e. fatty foods because they’re not having any pain.

Monday I was so tired and so sore from going to school that I flew through the
drive-thru at BK and got a original chicken sandwich meal.

It didn’t upset my stomach but the next morning I realized something.

I had surgery to remove what my doctor called an abnormal gallbladder. It had leak and had started to fuse itself to fat around it. *Thank god I’m fat because another girl I know had hers fuse to her liver, but that’s besides the point*

Gallbladder surgery is one of the most common surgeries done but that doesn’t make it ok to shovel food in my face because I’m tired.

I had to have this surgery because of a lifetime of horrid easting habits. I let myself get to almost 300 lbs. I lost 90 lbs. 4 years ago but then I started yo-yoing, which I’m pretty sure caused the demise of my gallbladder.

I was doing pretty good before the surgery but not as good as I should have been. But I’ve gotten the wake up call from my body and I’m listening to it now. From this moment forward I will never again put my body and wellbeing in danger just for a damned hamburger.